On forever.
In Dutch, the phrase “tot zover” can be roughly translated to “so far”, or “until here”.
I first heard the phrase in reference to Museum Tot Zover in De Nieuwe Ooster, Amsterdam’s largest cemetery, and it spoke deeply to my philosophies about the cycle of life, death, and rebirth.
As a trans woman, I have had the unique privilege to experience this cycle within my current life on Earth. When a person comes out and begins a transition journey, we often speak of our past selves as someone deceased. Terms like “deadname” are shared within our community as a means of separating our authentic, living selves from a past that usually contained immense pain and suffering.
I’ve always had a different attachment to the concept of my “dead self”. I’ve never thought of Aaron Bailey as a different person than the woman I am today, but rather simply a version of myself that at that point had come just “so far”.
As the dust settles around me and my move from Brooklyn to Amsterdam, and while the world swirls in chaos around all of us, “tot zover” reminds me that to be human is to be impermanent—in both life and death.
